So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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