I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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