he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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