WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
