my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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