How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
