I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it because I queefed?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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