Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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