He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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