4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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