my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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