i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
