Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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