I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
