You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
