I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
