I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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