Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
