Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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