i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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