i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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