I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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