Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
