I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
