I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
