I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
