Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
