I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
