i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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