Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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