And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
