I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
