people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
