your parents love me but you hate me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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