She said her name was "party"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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