So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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