Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So much Jack, so little girl.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
