another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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