I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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