I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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