I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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