so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
