Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
