I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
