quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
