Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
