I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
FUCK WHALES
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
