I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
