Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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