I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Houston, we have a squirter
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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