I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
